Valerie Angel. 20 years old, college student, ambitious woman.My prayers at night all sound the same. Here is tonight’s.
Dear lord,
I thank you for blessing me with another day. For waking me up to see my family’s beautiful face and for keeping me in good health. I thank you for watching over and protecting my friends and family; those who love. I thank you for life’s many struggles because they help me to be a better person.
God, I have a problem and I’m aware that you have heard it over and over but I am not happy with life. I am not content. I am angry still. I can’t seem to find the strength to accept the fact that my grandma is gone. Please, send her back to me. If not, please tell her that I love and miss her so and for her to come visit me. I need to see her.
Thank you for all that you have done for me lord.
Amen.
“In a boxing match, the fighters absorb some vicious blows because they’re ready for them & usually, the knockout punch is one they didn’t see coming.”
I read this little quote in the book called ‘Heaven is for Real.’
I immediately broke down when I read this because it’s so true.
I consider my grandma a true fighter. She lost her husband at a young age and was forced to raise four kids on her own. Soon after she lost it and was forced to seek help. And if that wasn’t enough, the doctor’s confirmed her fears not once but twice. First with breast cancer then a month before her passing, she got lung cancer. My grandma’s exact words when she was told she had lung cancer was “I’m ready to fight.” And that she did but when she was rushed to the ICU, the smallest thing brought my mami to her death. The smallest infection took my grandmas last breath. I still don’t understand it. She lived through the worst of the worst but passed through the smallest…..(sigh) Ill never come to understand it.
This day exactly one month ago, my grandma passed away.
I still cant seem to get over the fact that shes never coming back. I dont understand why she doesnt visit anymore.
I think its because i refuse to let her go. I still cry, i still get mad and i still doubt god at times but what else can i do? People say i need to let her go but how? I dont want to stop thinking or seeing my grandma. I miss you and i want to keep her image in my face. I dont understand why people dont get that.
Today i went into her room. It smelled just tlike my grandma. I saw her wheel chair, her night gowns, her slippers. Everything still in place. I went into her restroom and i saw her rosary. I took it. I hope my grandma forgives me but this is all i have left. I refuse to let go lord.
So, I tried to fall asleep for a little but you taking your last breath keeps playing over and over in my head. I can still here the flat line and the crying. I can feel your cold hand in mine. It’s been two weeks but yet the same nightmare keeps playing over and over. :(
Everytime I catch myself speaking out loud, i’m having a conversation with my grandma. I think im going crazy but then I think otherwise because somehow, I get a response. The reaponse is always something my granmda would say if she was still here. Yea, im definitly losing it. For example, today as I was looking at myself in my rugged clothes in my mind I asked “Ama, how do I look? And I literally thought to myself “Como un nino!” Then when I walked into my room I thought “Man, what would my grandma say if she saw this mess? & the first thing that came to mind “que cochineda” I cant really spell it but yea. I also keep referring to myself as nina! Wtfrick is going on with me? Im really losing it. I hug my pillow at night hoping that when I fall asleep it will miraculously change into my mami. :( im losing my mind.
